Meditation on Our Own Sins

Commencement and preparatory prayer as usual.

Prelude 1.—I will picture to myself my soul confined as in a prison-house of my body of corruption, and myself amidst the brute creation in this valley of tears; or filled with inordinate affections as so many foul reptiles.

Prelude 2.—I will beg a profound and intense sorrow for my many and great sins.

Point 1.—Pass in review, though not with the details of an examination of conscience as for confession, my many sins of omission and commission, in thought, word, or deed, of my past life: during my youth, up to manhood, and to the present time; the places in which I have lived, the employments or offices I have held, my relations with others, whether inferiors, equals, or superiors; when and where and what was my first sin; what passion predominated and dragged me into frequent sin; what a multitude of my own sins! but alas! also perchance I drew others into sin, and thus became responsible for their offences and crimes—of impurity, injustice, anger, disobedience to lawful authority, neglect of religion, uncharity, &c.; violations of the commandments of God and of His Holy Church, abuse or neglect of the sacraments, sins of scandal, and of co-operation in the sins of others.

Moreover, we ought not only to recall our mortal sins, but also some venial sins as well; for although they do not make us enemies of God, they are no less a disobedience towards Him whom we are bound to serve as our last end.

Alas! how truly may I say, “My iniquities are multiplied above the hairs on my head.” ¹ “Who will give a fountain of tears to my eyes?” ²

Point 2.—Consider the deformity and malice there is in every mortal sin, even if we abstract from its being forbidden. In the first place, it is unreasonable, as in it man follows his appetites against his own judgment, thus lowering himself to the brute, ³ as we see in anger, intemperance, lust, &c.; nay, below the animal creation, which is content to satisfy its natural instinct. Again, the sinner, instead of ruling his evil inclinations, sells himself as a slave to them. ⁴ What an infamy! Our conscience convicted us of this when in our first sins we shivered with fear, we hid our guilt, tried to stifle the reproaches of our guilty soul.

Point 3.—And who am I, who have thus offended God? If I compare myself with merely those of my own household or community, as to natural gifts and accomplishments; as to intellect, knowledge, disposition, or character; or as to supernatural gifts; how small I am in the comparison; and if I further consider them and compare them in all these respects with the rest of mankind, as to knowledge, virtue, power, &c., I am as an atom. ⁵ What then must I be in comparison with the angelic world, and finally, with God? My worse than nothingness overwhelms me! body a hot-bed of corruption, senses overflowing with putrefaction of sin, and my soul a reservoir of putrid abscesses—my whole self an abyss of waywardness and malice. ⁶

O Lord, my substance is as nothing before Thee. ⁷ I am but rottenness and worms, ⁸ and a son of perdition.

Point 4.—But who is God whom I have offended? Compare His infinite perfections ⁹ with my defects; His virtues with the opposite vices in me; His wisdom with my ignorance; His power with my weakness; His sanctity and justice with my guiltiness; His goodness and love with my mean selfishness. Woe is me! Against whom have I sinned? I have dishonoured God—sinner as I am. (What have I done? Against whom?) and have wickedly and ungratefully spent my days in insulting Him—I, a speck of a speck, outraging His Infinite Majesty.

Point 5.—By my sins I have given all nature the right to revolt against me. The very brute creation is entitled to reproach me. Angels of Heaven, unless withheld, should have rushed forward to avenge their outraged Lord; sun should not shine on me; the very earth should open its mouth to swallow me, and avenge its Creator. When the unhappy Semei insulted David, the faithful Abigai cried out: “Quis est iste canis mortuus . . . ibo et amputabo caput ejus.” Certainly the indignation of Abigai was quite legitimate. How is it that no angel in Heaven has dealt so with me? Such was the feeling of Borgia, who, when he met some oxen, wondered how it was that they did not gore him to death, and how the workmen did not break his head with their mallets.

In colloquy I must thank God for His mercy for having spared me, and “confess to Him . . . for that He has rescued me from the lower Hell.” I must address the angels, that, seeing me, they still were withheld from cutting me off in my sins. I will thank God, who has so spared me, and actually has never ceased to heap coals of fire upon my head by constantly pouring down upon me fresh graces. I will repeat my act of pure and heartfelt contrition, and end with the “Our Father.”

1. Psalm xxxix. 13.
2. Jerem. ix. 1.
3. “And man when he was in honour did not understand: he is compared to senseless beasts, and is become like to them.” (Psalm xlviii. 13.)
4. “Amen, amen, I say to you, that whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin.” (St. John viii. 34.)
5. “All nations are before Him as if they had no being at all, and are counted to Him as nothing and vanity.” (Isaias xl. 17.)
6. In the natural order, I may consider what I am as to the body and its senses, and intellectually, and morally; and then what I am in all these respects socially, and relatively to others. In the supernatural order, I may recall the graces I have received, both absolutely and comparatively; and from this reflection I shall be overwhelmed with even greater shame, confusion, and horror.
7. Psalm xxxviii. 6.
8. Job xxxv. 6.
9. St. Ignatius proposes only four of the Divine perfections, which God shares with us, and which we forfeit by sin. Thus His wisdom, by which He determines Himself as the end of all things, and all else as means by which according to their nature they might conduce to that end; His power in the creation and conservation of all creatures; His goodness in the generosity of His provision for the benefit of all in the natural order, and as regards man in the supernatural order also; His sanctity and justice; with infinite aversion towards evil and infinite attachment to good.