Exercise II: Of Self-esteem and Contempt for Others

Second point: Its weaknesses.

Third point: Its contradictions.

Fourth point: Its dangers.

Evening Preparation.—This kind of pride shows itself, according to circumstances, either in a propensity to domineer over others, or in a spirit of independence that may even go so far as rebellion. It is selfish and exacting when, as is frequently the case, it is allied with egotism. Its manners are good, but stiff. It will be just, but hard. In men of lax principles it may be a power but a vicious power, and it is more often to be met with in men than in women.

Have I not some one of the characteristics of this kind of pride? Pride is so easily disguised, and we know ourselves so little! What we have always been, always done, always felt, ends by appearing to be lawful, however imperfect. We have seen how prone we all are to overrate ourselves. Am I an exception to this rule? We may be proud without having every kind of pride, and even a small degree of pride is dangerous. Besides, we are subject to many illusions produced from without, though there may be little in our circumstances to call for pride.

Praise, or even common respect, makes us believe in our own superiority, and we readily take to ourselves what is due to the part God gives us to play.

To-morrow I shall probe those dark hiding-places where pride lurks, but I am too short-sighted to be able to penetrate their obscurities without the aid of Thy heavenly light, O my God. It is by Thy grace alone that I can come to know myself.

MEDITATION

PRELUDE.—To ask the grace of illumination and sincere conviction.

1. To prove the existence of this tendency.—Let us consider the inclination that leads us to overrate ourselves (superbia). Consciously or unconsciously it exists and works incessantly in our minds, seeking to discover something upon which we may pride ourselves; an instinctive toil like that of the plant which endeavours to plunge its roots among the rocks, and so natural that the work goes on without our knowledge and without producing fatigue.

Let us follow the process; it attaches its attention to and fixes it upon the qualities that it attributes to itself; it contemplates them, it pleases itself with them, and nourishes itself upon them. This persistent regard produces an indelible impression on the mind. On the other hand, it gives but a fleeting glance at what is imperfect, base, or humiliating, and the impression of this glimpse is soon effaced, not counteracting but rather strengthening our self-esteem.

Neither is there any truth in such a survey, for we have recorded only one side of the inquiry.

2. Its weaknesses.—If we are gifted with external advantages, though they may be nothing out of the common, we prize them above everything else. But if intelligence is our gift, then we despise the former. If we have more head than heart, we congratulate ourselves, and sincerely commiserate those whose excess of kindness makes them the prey of those cleverer than themselves. But if we possess more heart than head we speak slightingly of ability.

In the matter of intelligence, we prize that with which we are best endowed. If our mind is subtle but wanting in solidity, we ask: What is there in having a heavy brain? If on the other hand it is more solid than brilliant, we cry: What are mere empty phrases? If we are successful, it is no more than we deserve; but if we have experienced a set-back, we have been unfairly treated. And so on and so on. Let us humble ourselves for such unworthy and ridiculous weaknesses.

3. Its contradictions.—We have indeed often been made keenly aware of our inferiority, and the discovery has caused us suffering. But at once we undertake to eliminate it, and pursuing the work relentlessly contrive to reconstruct for ourselves some sort of superiority, sometimes by dint of despising what has surpassed us. Apparent contradiction but the same defect: I have a greater esteem for the things that are mine: pride is satisfied. To esteem what is lacking in me discourages me: pride suffers.

The contradictions of pride may be seen in the same man. Sometimes with regard to the same object. Finding himself among people better educated than himself he will say with ardent conviction: "Ah! piety is the better part." But let him find himself with those more virtuous than himself and at once, if he thinks he excels them in it, quite a new respect for knowledge will show itself.

Let us examine our feelings and actions in such circumstances, and let us seek energetically to root out our pride and its tiresome contradictions.

4. Its dangers.—Nothing is easier than to render homage to God for all that we are. "It is to Thee, O my God, that I owe my talents and my success." It is an accepted formula, but it does not prevent pride from indulging in vanity and self-complacence. It dispels heretical pride, which is not really a great danger, but it does not make us sincerely turn away from ourselves.

Confident in himself, the proud man does not care to ask counsel, he disdains advice, he rebels against well-deserved failure and aggravates it, and thus falls into errors of conduct.

Clinging to his own ideas, he persists in them, without paying any attention to the advice of others, and thus he becomes stubborn.

Opposition irritates him, he gives way to vexatious words, and, his heart growing embittered, he loses charity.

The proud man betrays himself by his attitude, his tone, his expressions; at times he even makes himself ridiculous.

One will praise him extravagantly to see how much flattery he will swallow. Another will encourage him in a mistaken course, in order to enjoy his discomfiture. Another will egg him on to self-praise, that he may make himself an object of derision: a pitiful vengeance.

Lord, may this time of probation open my eyes, and arm me with holy anger against a proclivity so tenacious, so hidden, and so dangerous!

Reflections.—In surveying these symptoms of pride, I feel almost reassured, for truly I cannot detect them in myself and I do not fall into such eccentricities. But who indeed carries the fault to such excess, and on the other hand, who will dare to think himself wholly free from it?

What shocks us in theory, and in others, may easily pass unnoticed in ourselves.

In this meditation I am making an analysis, drawing a picture, stigmatising a vice; I have conceived a horror of it, and fear it in itself; this is a great point.

Now my ideas are formed, my conscience is warned. I possess the means of discernment, and the will to fight.

O my God, during these meditations, I beseech Thee to show me myself. It is sad that I have lived so long in darkness, but now, out of the darkness objects begin little by little to emerge, and I shall watch myself carefully. Thy light, O Holy Spirit, will be the torch that my instant prayer will apply to the dark places of my life; Thou wilt reveal me to myself, a being whom I did not know. I do not feel proud; but not to be so I must be entirely humble. That sounds like a naïveté; it is a piercing ray of light. Who, in fact, is perfectly humble? Am I humble to such a degree?

RESOLUTION.—An innate propensity urging me to overrate myself, it is a matter of simple wisdom to incline rather to believe myself lower than I think.