p. 28Husband and Wife

Having given a general idea of home in the preceding chapters, I come next to speak of its duties in detail; and I begin by treating of those that husband and wife owe to each other. Of course, constant, unwavering fidelity to their pledged troth and to the moral obligations it implies holds the first place. The most cruel and most unjust injury, perhaps, that one human being can inflict on another, is the deliberate violation of this fidelity. It not only kills every germ of social happiness, but it generally breaks up the home, and what is worse still, it breaks at least one heart in the ruin it brings. However, although this duty is the most essential bond of family life, I abstain designedly from dilating on it, as there will be, thank God, very few among my readers to whom any special warning on this head is necessary.

Next to fidelity then, the most important duty that husband and wife owe to each other is mutual patience and forbearance. Two wills very rarely, one may say never, agree in all things, nor does there appear to be any contrivance by which two persons can be made to think and act in perfect harmony. On the contrary, each has a tendency of his own, to go his own way, as being not only the pleasantest and best and wisest, but also the only way for a reasonable will to go. Here then is a constant danger to the peace and happiness of home-life. How is it to be avoided? Simply by patience. If indeed both wills could be brought to see that neither should assert supreme and arbitrary control; but that having a common end in view, they should take common counsel in attaining it, this would be best. But this can very rarely be done, although it seems so easy and natural, without the previous exercise of much patience. A husband, for instance, has what is called a strong will, which generally means a will that is at once selfish, narrow and cruel; and he gives his wife no voice in the management of domestic affairs. He wishes to make her a kind of head-cook, parlour-maid, children’s governess, all in one. He tries to maintain, indeed, a certain appearance of companionship; but it is nothing more than what he would condescend to show to an interesting child. To any married woman, treatment like this is irritating in the extreme; and for one who has not a patient determined will to live it down and to do her duty in spite of it, it is sure to lead to estrangement and unhappiness. But the question arises here, how is it to be lived down, and what is a wife’s duty under such circumstances? I say then, that a wife has at least the right of a voice in the regulation of her home; yet if she be denied that right and set aside by her husband, she is obliged to obey. She can however protest, without any show of anger against his interference with her authority; and in nine cases out of ten, she can, by prudence and tact, by careful management in what is left her to do, by trustworthiness, win back for herself gradually that trust and confidence of which she is deprived. She will no doubt require much patience and self-restraint, and she will have to suffer many mortifications and rebuffs before she attains her object; but no Catholic wife will depend on her own strength in such a crisis. She will have recourse to earnest prayer, and to the Sacraments, knowing that these are the keys of God’s treasury of grace, and that by their aid she is certain to succeed. There is, however, one common mistake she must avoid; it is that of putting on an air of injury towards her husband, and treating him to a constant exhibition of tears. Some wives indeed go further and pay back their husband’s treatment by sharp, bitter words, by sour, unamiable looks, and by habitual acts of keen, petty annoyance; but I do not speak of these at present, as I am considering the case of those only who, having entered the married state with the best intentions of forming happy homes around them, find themselves thwarted from the beginning by the high-handed action of their husbands. I say then, that matters will not be mended, but made much worse by constant tears, and by a sad, broken-spirited manner. The chief attraction of home for a husband is the cheerfulness of his wife, and although his harsh, unfeeling ways towards her may often make this cheerfulness extremely difficult, yet it will one day, sooner or later, win for her the position she ought to hold in her home; it will always lighten the burden of her trials; it will make life less unpleasant to herself, as well as to those around her: and, in fine, she will do her duty all the better by resolving to do it cheerfully.

But a husband has generally something to say in his defence against the charge of degrading his wife’s position. Let us hear what is his plea. He will probably begin by asserting that he is lord and master in his own home, and therefore has a strict right to his wife’s obedience. He will next allege, that he waives his right to this obedience in many important particulars: for instance, he lets her go to Church as often as he thinks necessary for her; she may pay and receive visits within certain limits; and as for the control of money, women are too silly and extravagant in their tastes, and too heedless of their husband’s interests to be trusted with it, unless under exact and business-like conditions. He will not admit, moreover, that he is either harsh, or cruel, or despotic towards his wife. She has quite as much freedom as she had at home under the eyes of her parents; and if she be not happy and contented, the fault is her own, and she must, by firm management, be brought to see it.

Now it cannot be denied, that there is quite enough of plausibility about this reasoning to blind a self-interested, strong-willed man to the fallacies contained in it. If, then, such a one were to read these pages, I would ask him to put aside for a little the conviction he has of his unassailable position towards his wife, and, without bias or prejudice, to give his serious consideration to a few remarks on the other side.

Traditional sayings sometimes give a vitality to abuses, that is very injurious to society. This is one of them, the husband is sovereign lord and master in his home. With certain necessary limitations, this saying is true, without them it is false and unchristian. The husband is constituted by Christian marriage the head of the family; but in this headship the wife is associated as a partner, a counsellor, a co-director. She has an active voice in all domestic arrangements, in the care of children, in the management of servants, in the disposal of money for ordinary purposes. No doubt, she is subject to her husband, but this subjection does not exempt him from the strict obligation of consulting her and giving all due weight to her opinion on matters directly connected with the government of their common home. He should, indeed, take into account also the unhappiness and disunion that may result from the strict exercise of his authority; and where the matter in question does not seriously affect the interests of the family, he ought to consider whether prudence and charity do not suggest the better course to be a graceful yielding to her authority in all home matters. This authority, therefore, is not of that absolute, irresponsible kind that Turkish husbands are said to exercise over their wives: it is rather that of a prudent chairman of some board of managers, who gives his casting vote only when the other members are evenly divided, and when the question at issue is of vital importance. In truth, the family seems to me to be a sort of company analogous to those in the business world, inasmuch as it is ruled, and its affairs are managed by the parents as directors, and the father or husband as chairman, with one end in view, namely, the welfare of all the members, and with one common intention to devise and carry out the means of attaining that end. If the husband and the wife were to adopt this idea of their common duties, there would be much less disunion and unhappiness among them, and much less scandal given to children and domestics, than we unfortunately find in too many of our homes.

Moderation then on the part of the husband, and submission on the part of the wife, should always regulate their mutual relations; and the moderation and the submission are both secured by the practice of that patience which I recommended just above. It is a difficult task to be uniformly patient under all the petty, various annoyances of family life; but it cannot be remembered too distinctly, that in the Sacrament of marriage the right is given to all the spiritual helps, necessary for discharging faithfully and holily every duty of married life. Let this grace then be invoked habitually, let it be strengthened by the graces of Confession and Holy Communion, received often and fervently, let prayer begin and end each day, and, as far as possible, each duty,—with these aids, patience will be easy even in the most trying circumstances, and it will produce in the husband that prudent moderation, and in the wife that cheerful submission, that are the foundation of a happy Christian home.

The next duty of husband and wife to each other, of which I wish to speak, is the duty of mutual confidence. They should each suspect nothing, believe nothing, listen to nothing prejudicial to the other, without the strongest and most convincing proofs of the charge alleged. Each should place implicit and absolute reliance on the truth, and purity, and honour of the other; and should be as easily moved from that reliance as from the conviction of some moral certainty that cannot be controverted. Unworthy suspicions are a frequent cause of estrangement and loss of confidence between husband and wife; gossipers and scandal-mongers are another cause. No matter what gives rise to an accusation against the being whom he has pledged himself to love and honour until death, whom he has chosen out of all the world to protect, and cherish, and make happy, who has given up for him all the endearments and amenities of early home; no matter what gives rise to an accusation against such a one, let him not believe if there be a possibility of disbelieving it; let him drive it away from his soul, or it may blacken it with deadly sin; let him close his ears to it, for it has the breath of Satan, and the hiss of his tongue in its smallest whisper.

Jealousy is a morbid state of mind, directly opposed to this confidence of which I am speaking; and husband and wife alike require to guard themselves carefully against it. Slight, and even groundless suspicions are exaggerated by it into absolute certainties; a thoughtless, unmeaning word is made the clue to a supposed life of treachery or of guilt; home loses all its brightness; children that used to be loved and fondly cared for are hated and neglected; every thing and every body seems to have gone wrong; and the unhappy victim often seeks in suicide a relief from the fancied evils of life. I have little more to say on this mental delusion, than that its first symptoms should be repressed with unsparing vigour. No studied means should be adopted to find out whether foolish surmises be correct or incorrect. They should be dismissed as unworthy of oneself, and injurious to the person suspected. Prayer and spiritual guidance are also most powerful helps, and even the advice of a sincere, prudent friend will often be of use, if only to let in the light to the sore that is rankling in the heart. When jealousy, however, has become developed into a kind of monomania, it assumes a most critical and alarming form. In such a stage, it is as much a mental as a spiritual disease. Arguments and facts, the most evident and convincing, will seem to make the patient only more stubborn and impatient; prayer and Sacraments will generally be given up; and the Priest will have to leave the poor diseased soul in the merciful hands of its Creator. I will say again, then: Let him repress every first suggestion of distrust or suspicion of the consort whom God Himself has bound to him. He must pray against it; he must fight against it; he must wrench it from his soul; he must not leave a root of it there, or it will grow up into a deadly poisonous plant, killing all that is healthy and good and happy, not only in his own life, but in the lives of many around him.

There is another form of mutual confidence, essential to the well-being and happiness of married persons: it is that which leads them to impart to each other whatever trials, or difficulties, or troubles, they may meet with in their daily intercourse with the world. As I said in the beginning of this work, one of the primary ends of marriage is to form for man a society of mutual help; and there is no natural help more grateful, more encouraging, or, in any way, more important in the hour of need, than the sympathy that comes from a kind, affectionate heart. A husband then should keep no secret worrying trouble from his wife, through the mistaken delicacy of fearing to distress her and make her unhappy. He may be assured that the unconscious sadness of his demeanour at times, and the forced, artificial gaiety by which he will try to conceal some grave situation in which he is placed, will cause much more pain, than the revelation of the truth to her whom he intends to spare. To save her then the double grief, of knowing that her husband is in distress of mind, and of thinking that he does not deem her worthy or capable of sharing it, he should confide to her the cause of his anxiety, and consult with her bravely and openly about the best means of removing it. A wife, too, should hide no secret trouble from her husband. She may fear, perhaps, that he will look grave, or fret, or scold; the trouble itself may be some pecuniary difficulty, or some social annoyance, or any of the numerous daily trials of life; no matter what it may be or what immediate consequence its disclosure may entail, it is much the best that it should not become a wall of separation between herself and her husband. Let it be told candidly and fearlessly; and the confession is sure to result in an increase of happiness to both.

When I spoke, a few pages back, on the importance of cheerfulness to a wife, in the discharge of her daily duties, I touched one part of a subject of too much importance to home, to be passed over lightly. I say, then, that not only the wife should be bright and cheerful before the husband; but that wife and husband should make it a fixed rule to contribute to each other’s happiness, even at the sacrifice of their own individual comfort and convenience. This mutual anxiety and effort to please is only a branch of that mutual love which they owe to one another; but yet it is so vitally connected with all the deepest interests of home, that a short explanation of what it requires of them will not be out of place here.

First of all, it requires that each of them give up any habit or peculiarity of manner that may be opposed to the tastes, or even to the prejudices of the other. It would be out of place in a book of this kind to mention what those habits and peculiarities are. They will be known to those concerned, and they will be removed too, no matter what the removal cost, if there be a sincere desire on the part of the one who has contracted them to consult the comfort and convenience of the other.

In the second place, the wife should see that order, regularity, and cleanliness are scrupulously maintained in her home. If she ever become careless and indifferent in this matter, she may be prepared to find her husband gradually lose his love of home, spend less and less time there, and finally, show by his manner, if not by his words, his annoyance and disgust at the disorder and untidiness he sees about him.

There is one other thing demanded of husband and wife alike; and it is, that neither should ever deliberately forfeit the esteem and respect of the other. Such a loss would be sure to undermine the love, and to go far to unloose the bond of union that unites husband and wife together.

If, then, these recommendations that I have laid down in this chapter be observed, I have no hesitation in giving the highest assurance, that they who follow them will with the blessing of Heaven, succeed in forming bright and happy Christian homes.