p. 34Prudence and Tact

It sometimes happens that good and virtuous parents have unruly and wayward children, who are a source not only of annoyance to them, but also of grief and sorrow. They are at a loss to account for this, for they know that they are not sparing of good example, of kind admonitions, and even of severe corrections, but nevertheless all their efforts to bring up their children in virtue and piety are unavailing. The principal reason why such parents are unsuccessful in the bringing up of children is because they lack the necessary prudence and tact. Some parents are too lenient altogether, others are too severe, and others again go from one excess to the other. Excessive leniency, on the one hand, by failing to place sufficient restraint on the passions of the children, naturally tends to make the children despise authority and have their own way in everything. On the other hand, excessive severity begets hypocrites. Children who are restrained only by a servile fear of punishment will seek and find means of deceiving their parents whilst appearing to be good and virtuous; but so soon as they have outgrown this fear of their parents, or have escaped from their control, they will show themselves in their true colors, i.e., insubordinate, and the slaves of the basest passions. Prudence requires that kindness and firmness be so combined in the bringing up of children that the children be induced to practise virtue through a loving, childlike fear. Kindness should never be separated from firmness, and firmness should always be mingled with kindness. Kindness without firmness is culpable weakness, whilst firmness without kindness degenerates into harmful harshness and severity.

Always be kind in your manner, even when you have to correct, reprove, and punish your children. Show them that you have a parental heart, and not the hard-heartedness of severe masters. But never let your kindness lead you to fail in the necessary firmness. Whenever there is question of something that will endanger the health, life, or eternal salvation of your children, you must be as firm as a rock, you must be p. 35inexorable, but in all kindness and without harshness. Give all the necessary commands and prohibitions, but avoid useless ones: and when you have commanded or forbidden something, and the children have disobeyed, do not fail to give the necessary sanction to your orders by inflicting reasonable punishment. Punish them, however, without passion, as will be shown in a separate chapter. To command and threaten punishment in case of disobedience, and not to inflict punishment when disobeyed, is a sign of weakness, and will lead the children to despise both you and your authority.

A great help in the bringing up of the children is to have order in the house. There should be a place for everything, a time for everything, and every one should have a task or duty assigned to him and be held responsible for its proper performance. Where disorder reigns in a household there the spirit of obedience is lacking, and it is no wonder if the children become unmanageable. Prudence is necessary for both the establishing and the maintaining of order. It is prudence which teaches us how to govern, how to direct the affairs of the family, how to discover and use the most appropriate means for the attainment of an object. Prudence dictates what to allow, what to forbid; how to treat the children according to their age, to their dispositions, and to the circumstances in which they are placed. Prudence directs when and how to admonish and reprove, when and how to punish, when and how to reward. Prudence enables one to make a good choice of amusements and companions for the children. Hence it behooves you often to repeat the prayer of Solomon, to obtain the prudence so indispensable for you in the proper bringing up of your children: “Give us, O Lord, an understanding heart to judge . . . and discern between good and evil” (3 Kings iii. 9).

Teach your children to reflect, to use their reason, to be guided in all their actions, not by feeling or passion, but by reason and conscience. Teach them always to listen to the voice of their conscience and to heed its dictates, and never to act in opposition thereto. Explain to them how, in all their actions, they should be impelled by a sense of duty, and place their duty to God above everything else. Teach them not to be over-confident and conceited, but in all difficult and important matters to seek the counsel of their elders and their betters. In warning them against certain dangerous friendships, teach them how to discern between true and false friendship, between real friendship and flattery. Explain to them that the aim of true friendship is to make the friends more virtuous, more perfect; that true friendship consists not in sweet words and loving protestations; that it is obliging, self-sacrificing, and, above all, truthful; whilst flattery has an oily tongue and smooth ways, and is misleading and deceitful. Warn them against trusting any friendship, however polished and apparently sincere, which would lead them to act in p. 36opposition to the obligations of duty and the dictates of their conscience.

Impress deeply on the minds of your children that they must be the masters, and not the slaves, of their passions; that by yielding to their evil inclinations they become slaves. Show them that they are freemen only when they keep their passions under control. Explain to them that it is degrading to give way to one’s passions, because it makes one act contrary to one’s reason, whilst to restrain one’s evil inclinations and govern one’s passions is in accordance with reason and conscience, ennobles and perfects human nature, and makes man almost the equal of the angels. You should also see that your children do not acquire bold and forward manners; be careful to make them keep within the bounds of modesty. On the other hand, endeavor to correct any too great timidity or diffidence on their part, which might sooner or later expose them to become the victims of human respect.

In watching over the conduct of your children you should not be excessively suspicious, for it would lead them to play the hypocrite. Whenever you may prudently do so, without exposing them to dangerous occasions of sin, show them that you have confidence in them by allowing them a little more freedom than usual, so as to discover whether they may be trusted to make a good use of liberty. If you find that they are apt to abuse such privileges, you should redouble your care and watchfulness, kindly point out their faults to them, and warn them against relapse.

It would be well if, after the boys have left school, the father were to accompany them every month to the reception of the sacraments of Penance and the Holy Eucharist. The mother should do likewise with the girls. Such conduct on the part of the father and the mother would confirm the children in the practice of their faith, in leading a virtuous life, and at the same time would tend to cement more closely their union with their parents and increase their affection for them. Strive by your tact and prudence, by your earnest efforts in carrying out the foregoing directions, to gain so great an ascendency over your children that they may always look upon you as their best friends and advisers. The father should have so brought up his son that when the boy has become a young man he may be like a loving companion to his father. In like manner the mother should have so trained her daughter, that when the daughter has become a young woman she should consider her mother as her best friend and companion, and should never have any secrets to conceal from her own beloved mother.