The Work of a Christian Father

p. 53III. Paternal Cares

Let us imagine a father who strives to follow the advice and counsel given above. His children are safe as long as they are under his care and guidance. But children do not always remain in the secure enclosure of their father’s house. They have much intercourse with those outside, and a time will come when sons and daughters must leave the paternal roof. From this new duties arise. Let us mention them.

(1) Superintendence of Children

The father (and mother) cannot possibly have their children, old and young, constantly under their immediate surveillance. Work and various occupations will separate them for a longer or shorter time from the children; and the latter are not always at home, they are at some employment, at school, or at play, etc.

On such occasions the children may be in great danger. They meet with other children or adults whose conversation scandalize them; they have intercourse with persons who may even endeavor to lead them into sin; they go to places where their faith and their innocence are in great danger; they attend pleasure parties and maintain friendships of a dangerous character.

Children are inexperienced; if not warned in time they rush into the greatest dangers and are ruined! They are inconsiderate; they are easily carried away by their impulses, which lead them to destruction. They are dependent on others and are with little difficulty led astray.

Will not a father who knows and reflects on these things take care of his child, and as far as lies in his power protect it from the threatened danger? Is this not his most sacred duty?

We admit that under certain circumstances the situation of the child cannot be made perfectly safe and secure, do what you may. But you must do what you can. And indeed much can be done in this particular if you have a good will and do not shirk trouble and sacrifice. The example of really good parents is a proof of this. It cannot of course be accomplished without care and perseverance. But there are some fathers who are not willing to trouble themselves much about it, and who, therefore, leave their children without any supervision and permit them to do about as they please. How many children are perverted and lost because fathers (and mothers) are wanting in watchfulness and care!

It has often been remarked that many fathers take more care of their cattle than of their children. They are very careful to preserve their dumb brutes from danger or injury, while they carelessly permit their children to be exposed to even greater dangers. How true and just is not this comparison in many cases! It will, at the proper time, rise up in judgment against such fathers and establish the justice of their eternal damnation.

It is therefore the most sacred duty of a Christian father to do all he can in this regard. First of all, the father (and mother) should endeavor to learn where the son or daughter goes, particularly if they are to be away from home for a considerable time; they should also try to know with what company they associate.

Moreover, it is important for the father to know the character of the places they frequent as well as that of the persons they meet there; to know what goes on at such places, what amusements are indulged in, etc. If the father sincerely wills it he can find ways and means to acquire such knowledge. He will, according to circumstances, call the son or daughter to give an account of themselves during their absence from home; he will investigate the matter, and with prudence and care he may draw the necessary information from others, or perhaps his own experience will enable him to form a correct judgment of such visits and amusements, and how dangerous the familiar intercourse between young people of both sexes may be.

Possessed of this knowledge, the father will govern himself accordingly. First of all, when his children are about to leave the house he must know where they are going. If they have been accustomed to this rule in their younger years they will the more readily observe it as they grow up.

What after mature deliberation he considers dangerous to the child, in view of its age and its qualities of mind and body, he will strictly forbid; for instance, association with certain children, visits to certain houses, or, in the case of older children, the company of certain persons, the indulgence in certain amusements, etc. The father will insist on the strict observance of his orders.

If he finds that a son or daughter has disobeyed his orders in these matters he will earnestly warn and advise him or her, in case the disobedience was more the result of ignorance or want of reflection than of malice; but if in spite of his repeated advice and warnings his orders have been wilfully disobeyed he will not fail to inflict condign punishment. Earnestness, firmness, and resolution are required, and in certain circumstances even great severity may be necessary, particularly where there is evident danger of sin if the forbidden practices are not promptly discontinued.

It will be a great help to a father in attaining his object if order, regularity, and rule reign in his household, and if his children have accustomed themselves to this order and regularity, particularly the order requiring them to be home at a fixed hour. At any rate, if permission is given to be absent from home the time of their return must be determined, and no excuse should be admitted in case of failure.

There are cases where there is danger in attending certain parties, etc., and yet the father cannot well refuse permission to his son or daughter to attend; in such cases he should accompany them himself, or appoint a responsible person to see to them.

These are only a few hints given in a matter in which the individual cases differ so widely from each other that it is impossible to give a rule for each particular case. But what has been said will enable the father to deal with such cases as circumstances may require.

Would to God that all fathers and mothers would do their duty in this matter. How many sins would be prevented and how many children saved from ruin. How many have committed the most deplorable errors, by which the happiness of their lives have been destroyed and their immortal souls lost, all on account of parents neglecting to watch carefully over their children. Woe to the parents of such unfortunate children.

Arise then, Christian fathers, ponder and reflect on the duties of your vocation. Be watchful, and take care of those children whom God has entrusted to thee.²2We take occasion here to call attention to a point which experience has taught us frequently becomes the occasion of great evils and sins to children—particularly to boys. It is, that they are allowed to have and to spend money in a way that is very dangerous and hurtful to them. This arises from undue kindness or indulgence of the father or mother in giving them money, or through neglect to keep it properly secured, so that the children can easily obtain it by stealth. Experience teaches that this indulgence or neglect on the part of parents, causes sad degeneracy in the children; leading to drink, to excesses, and even to dishonesty and theft. It makes our heart bleed to make such a discovery, and one is impelled to cry out: Oh, if the astonished father and mother could only be made to understand that they should withhold money from their children entirely, or give it only when necessary; that they should take the necessary precautions that the children cannot have access to the place where money is kept. Opportunity makes the thief.

p. 56(2) Son and Daughter Abroad

The son and daughter leave their home in order to learn what is necessary for their future life, or to earn their own livelihood. The son as pupil in some institution, or as apprentice in a store or workshop, or as a servant. The daughter leaves the home of her childhood in order to acquire further accomplishments, or to earn her living as servant in another family.

Now a father who has above all the eternal welfare of his child at heart cannot see, without anxiety, his son or daughter go away where they will be no longer under his guardianship, protection, and influence. His soul is filled with anxiety when he reflects that his son or daughter may suffer from the fatal influence of bad example which persons of unchristian and immoral lives may give them; his mind is troubled at the thought of the evil effects the bad conversations and conduct of such persons may have on their young minds, as they are liable to undermine all the good principles of faith and morality which his children have received; he fears the enticements, inducements, and seductions of a wicked world with which his children must now come in contact.

And indeed he has cause to fear and tremble. Alas, how many young men and women who did so well under home influences have, after leaving the paternal roof good and virtuous children, suffered from the pernicious influence of their new homes; have lost by degrees those pious and religious sentiments with which they were imbued and given themselves up to sin and vice; have lost their innocence, their faith, and return to their home robbed of the most precious treasures of their lives!

Can, then, a Christian father (and mother) remain indifferent when they are compelled to let their children go abroad? Can they be indifferent to their fate? Impossible. They will rather, as is their duty, do their utmost to protect them from the threatened danger; they will endeavor as far as possible to preserve that faith and piety which was instilled into their hearts at home.

How strange! If you confide to the care of others anything that is precious and dear to you, you take every precaution that it will be returned in as good condition as when it left you; for example, if you loan money on interest you examine whether the party borrowing it can give sufficient security; you will not loan it if you see any danger of losing it. Now children, the most precious of all things, are placed out without any security that their eternal welfare is not at stake, or even when the contrary is known to be the fact. How inconsistent! What a responsibility!

It is true that in many cases it is sometimes almost impossible to do anything to protect the child, for it is not always possible to procure a situation for your child where you can find all as you would wish in regard to faith and morals. And yet the son and daughter must leave their homes; it cannot be helped.

It must, however, be admitted that there is in most cases on the part of the father an inconceivable indifference and unconcern which is inconsistent with a true Christian spirit. He has generally temporal prospects in view, and these alone he values and esteems. His son or daughter can learn in such a place much that is useful in a temporal point of view; in such a position they can acquire riches; in such a situation there are good prospects for the future, etc., etc. These considerations are enough to determine his mind. He does not ask if the son or daughter will be exposed to the danger of losing their faith or innocence of heart. This does not concern him; he even banishes the thought from his mind.

And what is the consequence? Of course the son and daughter may, in the circumstances into which they have been so recklessly thrown, become smart, intelligent, and learned; they may receive large salaries; fine prospects await them in the immediate future. But you will also find that with all these acquirements, hopes, and prospects they have lost that Christian feeling and sentiment which they had before; the exercise of the Christian virtues is not so familiar to them as formerly; they are slaves to wicked passions; they have lost purity of heart and suffered shipwreck of God’s most precious gift—the faith. Will they be happy with all their other acquirements? Alas, not even here on earth will they be happy. No matter how frequently it has been denied, it is and will forever remain true that all earthly happiness, however great, will speedily vanish and leave the human heart empty and void unless it is built on the foundation of true Christian piety. And then eternity! Is the number of those unfortunates small who attribute their eternal damnation to those situations of earthly honors and riches in which they were so cruelly placed by their parents in their younger years?

But enough. There can be no doubt that the obligations of the father (and mother) do not cease when the children have left their home and the father cannot supervise their conduct. As long as the children have not arrived at that maturity of age and judgment which will enable them to take proper care of themselves the father must take care of them. If he cannot secure to all of them the advantages he desires he must at least do what he can. Experience teaches that good and conscientious parents can do much for their children by procuring proper situations for them. Such parents have their children’s welfare at heart; they take great interest in this matter; they take pains to inquire and investigate, and spare no sacrifice. Nothing appears too difficult to such parents, because they really love their children and value their eternal welfare above all earthly things. Besides, the love they bear their children makes them inventive. And as they in this important matter have recourse to God by prayer, God enlightens their minds to a knowledge of the true course to follow, or turns circumstances to their advantage.

This is the manner in which truly pious Christian parents act. And if sometimes, even by their best efforts, they cannot obtain what they desire, and must be content with little or nothing, they will never place their children in situations where there is evident and certain danger to their faith and virtue, no matter how great the temporal advantages may be.

And when a child has left home the true Christian father (with the mother) will always have an eye on it, and as far as possible make inquiries about its conduct, etc. And should his previous hopes prove false, and he find that his son or daughter is in danger, he will not be careless and indifferent, but if matters cannot be remedied otherwise he will remove his child as soon as possible from such a place, and thus save its faith and virtue.

Here again the father cannot always do what his heart desires, nor can he do it as soon as he wishes; he does, however, what is possible. This he must do because it is the sacred duty of his vocation. What does a man do who has loaned money and fears that it may be lost? He takes measures to secure it. Now when it is a question of children, who are more precious and valuable than money, will a father not act in the same manner, and take measures to secure their temporal and eternal welfare?

Unfortunately this is done but too seldom; parents are in this particular too careless and indifferent, but when too late they must suffer the consequences. Their children will be their punishment. What grief and sorrow will such children cause their parents! Therefore “take care of them over whom you have been placed.”

(3) Choice of a State of Life

We intend to speak here of sons. Excepting in a few cases of a vocation to the religious state the future life of daughters is generally determined by circumstances of which we will treat further on. We speak now of the sons.

Well, what will our son become? Shall he study? Shall he learn a trade or an art? and which? Shall he be a soldier? or shall he devote his whole life to some ordinary occupation at home, or as a servant away from home? These are questions which very naturally arise in the mind of every father who has his son’s welfare at heart.

There is unquestionably for every son, as for every child, a state of life which is most suitable to him, which is the best for him and most conducive to his welfare, considering his corporal and mental qualities, the circumstances in which he is placed, and the means he possesses. This state of life then is that which is most in harmony with God’s will. It is his vocation.

From what we have thus far said it is evident that it is a matter of great importance for a son to know his vocation, to choose it, to prepare himself for it, and to follow it at the proper time. A vocation is a call to a certain state of life which is most in accord with the will of God, who rules from one end of the earth to the other and orders everything for the best. On this account has God bestowed upon your son the necessary gifts and ability, given him an inclination for his particular work, and placed him in circumstances where he can learn what is necessary for his state in life. If then we may hope that the young man will at the proper time enter on the duties of his vocation this hope will be increased by the well-founded expectation that the Lord will assist him with his divine grace in the vocation he has pointed out to him, and will in a special manner so regulate and order circumstances that he may perform the duties of his state of life and find eternal life.

If all this is calculated to impress us with the importance of a vocation it will appear still more forcible if we reflect that the vocation of a person to a certain state of life is the surest, the only way, to acquire true happiness and contentedness as far as it can be enjoyed here on earth, and that it is the best and surest way to eternal happiness. They who have missed their vocation are generally unhappy in their state of life, and as they find no pleasure in it and have no love for its obligations, they are very careless and negligent in the observance of them; thus they aggravate their own conscience, and become unhappy in themselves and obstacles to the welfare of others. A mistake in the choice of a vocation is, then, very dangerous, as it may finally lead to eternal ruin.

It is therefore of the greatest importance to a man to know and choose his vocation. And as the choice, in most cases, is made at an early age, when one does not possess mature judgment or experience to determine for one’s self, the father (and mother) should assist their son by counsel and advice. For this purpose God in his wise providence confided children and youth to the care and guardianship of parents, that they might supply that which is wanting in them.

As we teach children that it is their sacred duty to consult their parents, and ask their advice before choosing a vocation, it is necessary that the father should study to know the vocation of his son in order to be able to give good advice.

This is sometimes not very difficult; the vocation of the son manifests itself in various ways. He shows very early a decided inclination for a particular trade, occupation, etc. This is a good sign that he has a vocation for it, especially if he possesses a natural aptitude for it and if there is no objection to it from other causes. Again, the vocation is known from circumstances; for example, the son is called to continue or carry on his father’s business, or to follow his trade or occupation, always provided that he has no decided aversion to such occupation and is not wanting in the necessary qualifications for it.

However, the vocation of a son does not always show itself so clearly; you do not observe that natural inclination for a particular state in life, or if you do there are perhaps insurmountable obstacles in the way of such a choice; nor do circumstances throw any light on the subject. You must therefore reflect and take counsel in order to find the true vocation of your son.

Many errors are committed in this particular, and therefore there are so many mistaken vocations, with all their evil consequences.

The parents make a serious mistake when in selecting a vocation for their son they consult only selfish motives, inordinate desire of worldly gain, honors, etc. One father will select a calling for his son because it is more honorable, another because it is more profitable to himself. Thus many a son has to work either at home or in a shop or manufactory, and is prevented from learning the trade or business he desires. No regard is had for his inclination or abilities, or even for his eternal welfare.

This last reflection leads us to notice another very grievous mistake which parents make in choosing a state of life for their sons. Parents are almost always led to a choice by purely temporal motives, without considering the eternal welfare of their children. They make the choice and in a way force their choice on the son, while experience and his personal peculiarities show there is the greatest danger, and that such a state of life will prove an obstacle to his eternal happiness. This way of acting could be excused if there was a necessity for such a choice, but not even then when evident danger exists.

The main thing a father should have in view in choosing a state of life for his son is his eternal salvation. You must therefore in making your choice prefer that state which affords him the greatest protection against dangers to his soul. Is not the life of man, considered in the light of faith, a preparation for eternity? Is not man himself, as well as all he possesses, from God? And is not everything he possesses to be used to fit him for a happy eternity? As this happy eternity is the principal object of life it is also the principal object of every state of life, and therefore it is necessary in the choice of a state of life to examine and consider whether the choice you are about to make is conducive to that end, or whether it is an obstacle to it. If a father has not this object in view, if he consults only his son’s temporal welfare, the son may be led to eternal perdition by entering on a state of life chosen for him through such an improper motive. What will it then avail him to have enjoyed temporal prosperity and happiness for a few years? And even this cannot last for any length of time, for he only can enjoy true and permanent happiness who, following his vocation, leads a life pleasing to God.

You fail again in your choice of a state of life for your son when you do not consult his inclinations. If a certain inclination and love for a particular state of life is a good sign of a vocation to it, it is also an evidence that a person in such a state will be happy and contented, and will perform the duties and obligations of it. It is, therefore, in every case, dangerous to urge a son to enter into a state of life to which he has an aversion.

You err again in choosing a state of life for your son if you do not take into account his natural and acquired abilities and his corporal and mental qualifications. The son will then be placed in a position for which he has not the necessary qualifications, for which he has not and cannot acquire the necessary knowledge and skill; he cannot, therefore perform the duties of this state. This is a great misfortune to him and to others.

You fail again if you cannot answer satisfactorily the question whether the state of life chosen for your son affords sufficient security for his temporal welfare and happiness.

The more there is to be considered the more difficult it is to make a proper selection; and as the son’s welfare for time and eternity depends on the selection of this state of life the greater is the responsibility of the father who makes the choice. It is indeed of so much importance as to cause him to seriously reflect on it, to take counsel, ask advice of experienced persons, to recommend the matter to God by fervent prayer, and beg the grace to know the true state of life to which his son is called, that he may not be led astray by improper motives, but that he may do that which is most pleasing to His divine majesty. “Show, O Lord, what thou hast chosen.”

If the importance of this duty were well understood and well performed by Christian fathers how much misery and unhappiness would be spared to many a son! All would then enter into that state of life to which they are called, and with God’s blessing they would enjoy true happiness.

We have now to add a few words in regard to the married state of life. We have in view more particularly the daughters, though what is to be said is also applicable to sons.

Worldly motives, temporal advantages, almost always prevail in the choice of the married state in life, particularly when there is a great fortune, great honors, and dignities to be gained. No question is then asked about the religious sentiment or moral conduct of the other party; the consent is given, and everything is hastened lest the marriage might not take place. And yet it may be well known, for instance, that the young man is a profligate, a libertine, that he cares nothing for religion and church, that he neglects his religious duties, that, in a word, he has fallen away from his faith and his Church and bears not a good name. And yet we deplore so many unhappy marriages!

Yes, your daughter has made a fine match; she is the lady of a noble house, the wife of a wealthy gentleman; she lives in grand style, she is honored and respected. But what kind of a husband has she? He is thoughtless, without religion, has no regard for virtue, follows his wicked inclinations, is unfaithful to his wife, wounds her feelings and causes her grief and sorrow. Mistress of such a beautiful house, dressed in costly garments, surrounded by servants, moving in the highest circles of society, this wife is unhappy, discontented, her heart consumed by grief. And will not this, your daughter, under such circumstances, become careless about spiritual and holy things? Will she not in the end lead a thoughtless and a sinful life? The children will follow the example of the father and mother. What hopes are there here for eternity? The present age affords numerous examples of what we have said. Yes, we have good reason to complain when we see parents so regardless of their duty in this particular while in other things they act as good Christians. They give their good and pious daughters away in marriage to young men such as we have described. Of course they flatter themselves with the hope that the young wife will, by her good example, convert her husband and bring him back to a better life. But, alas! how generally the contrary takes place. How often have such hopes proved to be mere castles in the air? The young wife, living in daily and intimate intercourse with her husband, will be drawn over to his way of thinking and living, and at last she and her children go with him to destruction.

It is then impossible for a truly Christian father to consent to such a marriage, no matter how great the temporal advantages of such a union may be; he will not sell his daughter’s soul or her true happiness for the sake of a few temporal advantages.